From the moment one becomes a parent (and I mean, from the second we know that sperm has successfully met egg), at least 10% of one’s brainpower at any given time is taken up with worrying about one’s offspring. Health, happiness, brain development, achievement of key milestones, eating habits, socialization… and, the biggie: education.

I say “the biggie” because that’s the thing I worry about most. Indeed, I’d say 10% is actually a conservative estimate. But who can blame me? Education is the key to a child’s future. Living as an expat in Paris compounds the problem as we are usually dealing with a school system we did not experience first-hand, and doing so in a language that – no matter how well we master French – isn’t our langue maternelle.

Confession time

A while back, I had a period of strange and obsessive worry about my daughter’s education, mainly brought on by the acute realization of my lack of knowledge about how the school system works here. A lack of information makes me anxious. So, I took action. I called the school board and found out which catchment area we’re in for lycée, collège, primaire and maternelle. We discussed dérogations, when to apply for schools, the LOT! At one point, though, faced with my barrage of questions, the lovely lady on the phone stopped mid-sentence and asked la question qui fâche:

“Madame, just how many children do you have, and what are their ages?” My red-faced reply: “Well, erm, I actually just have the one daughter, and she’s, ahem, 10 months old”.

Yes, readers, I was that crazy lady asking for university application forms for a child who couldn’t actually walk yet.

Which language to speak?

Now, in my defence, in Paris, you basically have to register for a place at the crèche as you’re leaving the gynecologist’s office having confirmed your pregnancy. And even then, they’ll ask you why you didn’t think to send a post-coital email to pre-reserve your spot. So it’s not that odd to worry about the deadline to register for nursery school. And at least now I know the when, where, what, how and why – information is power!

Of course, on top of the classic questions about education that all parents consider, expat parents have to take into account the language(s) elements of their children’s upbringing. Whatever the configuration of languages in the household, there are always choices to be made about language priorities: Who will speak which language to the children, what will the family language will be?…My husband is French, I am British, and we live in France. I have spent hours agonizing over whether my speaking English to our daughter will be “enough”; yet more time weighing up the relative merits of international sections, bilingual schools, and supplementary private tuition; and even longer researching extra-curricular activities that take place in English.

The Positive Approach to Education

I know I’m not the only one out there with these worries swirling around her brain, so if you’re identifying with any of the above, take heart. It’s totally normal (hey, we weren’t using that 10% anyway, right?). But instead of undirected and anxiety-inducing worry, why not try to channel your concerns by asking yourself the right questions? Powerful coaching questions that, instead of just causing more confusion, will help you identify what’s best for your children and your family as a whole. Here are some starters that should help you get to the bottom of what’s right for you:

• What do we want our children to take away from their schooling, overall?
• What values do we want our children to learn at school?
• What natural talents are our children displaying and how do we want to support those?
• What difficulties are my children experiencing and how do I want to support them?
• What did I enjoy/not enjoy in my own education? What would I like to reproduce?
• How much support are we as parents willing and able to offer our children with homework?
• How much do we as parents want to be involved in the life of the school?
• What level of bilingualism do we aspire to for our children, and to what end?
• What will bilingualism do for our children, and what will our children’s bilingualism do for our family as a whole?
• How much work are we as parents willing and able to put into our goal of bilingualism?
• What are we willing to sacrifice for this goal? What are we not willing to sacrifice?
• What other values are important to us in our children’s upbringing and education?
• What values and objectives do we have for our family’s lifestyle generally?
• How do our other values fit in with our educational and bilingual goals for our children?

It’s normal and right to think about your child’s future. But it’s better to ponder the matter in a way that is productive, constructive and empowering.

Originally published on Inspirelle.com.