{"id":1195,"date":"2012-01-04T10:18:15","date_gmt":"2012-01-04T09:18:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/joannearchibald.com\/?p=1195"},"modified":"2020-11-12T07:13:36","modified_gmt":"2020-11-12T06:13:36","slug":"the-motherhood-diaries-facing-unwanted-advice-or-worse-scolding","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/joannearchibald.com\/fr\/blog\/the-motherhood-diaries-facing-unwanted-advice-or-worse-scolding\/","title":{"rendered":"The Motherhood Diaries : Facing Unwanted Advice or Worse, Scolding"},"content":{"rendered":"

When I was pregnant, my mother offered me a single piece of priceless wisdom about raising a child: \u201cEveryone will have an opinion on everything. Don\u2019t feel obliged to listen to anyone.\u201d I heard her advice while huge and happy on pregnancy hormones.\u00a0Now, with an active 16-month-old, I heed that advice on a daily basis \u2013 in fact, every time I step out in Paris.<\/strong><\/p>\n

As parents, we are besieged by child-rearing advice via the Internet, television, radio, and an ever-growing wealth of literature on the subject. Medical professionals all tend to have pretty strong (and gloriously divergent) views on things like sterilizing bottles and controlled crying. Our friends and families offer their input on everything from breast-feeding positions to when to buy baby\u2019s first shoes. It can be overwhelming. And to top it all, with alarming frequency, perfect strangers \u2014\u00a0people whose only claim to acquaintance is their proximity on the m\u00e9tro \u2014\u00a0<\/em>will happily weigh in!<\/p>\n

Now, I\u2019ve never raised a child anywhere but in France, so I can\u2019t really judge whether this is a particularly French phenomenon. I have heard expat friends express their horror at the traditional French style of parenting (supposedly strict and parent-first), so I can imagine that us child-centric Anglo-Saxons must come in for a fair bit of judgement from certain of our Gallic counterparts. I also suspect\u00a0that the open sharing of that judgement with the parent in question (the bit that riles me) is less likely to occur in Britain than in France, simply because of our reserve compared to the French love of la<\/em> franchise,\u00a0<\/em>or frankness. Don\u2019t get me wrong, Brits\u2019ll judge you, but they\u2019ll maintain a polite silence about it!<\/p>\n

Sample exchange: A hot and crowded bus carrying at least five prams (including mine), all covered with sun-blocking muslin squares. A baby starts wailing.<\/p>\n

Random stranger: \u201cOh Madame<\/em>, do pick up your daughter and cuddle her \u2013 it\u2019s so hot!\u201d<\/p>\n

I think (but don\u2019t say \u2013 I\u2019m British, remember?): Cuddle her? In this heat? That\u2019ll only make it worse. And anyway, I\u2019m standing up on a moving bus. Holding her is the most dangerous thing I could do right now! Are you a total moron?<\/p>\n

I say: \u201cWell, we\u2019re getting off soon. And, er, it\u2019s not actually my baby crying. It\u2019s that boy over there.\u201d<\/p>\n

Or the classic, when your child starts fussing or \u2013 God forbid \u2013 crying<\/em> in a public place: \u201cI\u2019ll bet s\/he\u2019s hungry?\u201d My fantasy response to this catch-all diagnosis of any tears is, \u201cYou bet she\u2019s hungry! I haven\u2019t fed her for two days \u2013 if this doesn\u2019t slim those chubby cheeks down a bit, I think we\u2019ll start her on Baby Atkins.\u201d I\u2019d love to say it, just to see the reaction. But I don\u2019t. I grit my teeth, smile, and say something genial like, \u201cOh, she\u2019s fine, I think she\u2019s just ready for a nap.\u201d<\/p>\n

When these offerings of totally unsolicited advice come my way, I do try to remember that, for the most part, it\u2019s well-intentioned. But I can\u2019t shake the feeling that the basis of the advice is an assumption that I\u2019m not coping and that the meddler, I mean the person offering their opinion, knows better. It doesn\u2019t help that the advice is usually, at best, outdated or inappropriate.<\/p>\n

So, since I\u2019m generally a polite and friendly person and don\u2019t want to snap at people, I\u2019ve come up with a few strategies for remaining gracious when under fire from \u201cadvisors.\u201d Maybe they\u2019ll help you too\u2026<\/p>\n

1. Flip the table and use it as a learning opportunity<\/strong><\/h3>\n

Use the situation to ask the person about their experience of child-rearing. Especially good with older people. As in: \u201cOh, was that the advice you received when your children were young? That\u2019s really interesting!\u201d By asking to hear more, you\u2019ll have changed to conversation from advice to anecdote and flattered someone who clearly wants to share their experience.<\/p>\n

2. Seize the chance to share<\/strong><\/h3>\n

When people offer me advice that runs contrary to my own views or today\u2019s medical wisdom, instead of silently seething, I now say politely but honestly, something like, \u201cSee, I\u2019ve heard that theory before, but my doctor advises against it because\u2026\u201d or, \u201cActually, the latest research shows that bilingual children don\u2019t start speaking any later than monolinguals\u201d (expat parents, can I get an \u201cAmen\u201d?). While I used to feel judged and irritated, this approach changes the conversation to one where two equals are simply sharing their differing views. No one is right or wrong.<\/p>\n

3. Think about kissing frogs<\/strong><\/h3>\n

Sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs to find Prince Charming. And sometimes, among the onslaught of random advice you\u2019ll receive when you\u2019re a parent, you\u2019ll hear a total gem. Like when a friend told me \u201cOn good days, don\u2019t be smug \u2013 it won\u2019t last; on bad days, don\u2019t despair \u2013 it won\u2019t last.\u201d That one has helped me through some long nights. Listen carefully and you might not only hear something useful, you may even find a grain of wisdom in the unlikeliest of places.<\/p>\n

4. When all else fails<\/strong><\/h3>\n

Smile and gaily chirp, \u201cMerci! I\u2019ll think about that!\u201d Then change the subject.<\/p>\n

Remember that people are usually just trying to share what they know, help out, and make a connection. One of the lovely side-effects of having a child is how I now get chatting to total strangers much more frequently and can connect with people with whom I previously had very little in common. If that opportunity to connect with my fellow man comes via some off-base advice, I figure that\u2019s a small price to pay for a world in which people actually speak to each other on the train, in the doctor\u2019s waiting room, and \u2013 whisper it \u2013 even in elevators !<\/p>\n

\u00a9 Cathy Yeulet<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When I was pregnant, my mother offered me a single piece of priceless wisdom about raising a child: \u201cEveryone will have an opinion on everything. Don\u2019t feel obliged to listen to anyone.\u201d I heard her advice while huge and happy on pregnancy hormones.\u00a0Now, with an active 16-month-old, I heed that advice on a daily basis […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1212,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[168],"tags":[250,254,258,251,253],"class_list":["post-1195","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-coaching","tag-connect","tag-family-fr","tag-parenting-fr","tag-relationships","tag-the-motherhood-diaries-fr"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Motherhood Diaries : Facing Unwanted Advice or Worse, Scolding - Joanne Archibald | Coaching<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/joannearchibald.com\/blog\/the-motherhood-diaries-facing-unwanted-advice-or-worse-scolding\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"fr_FR\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The Motherhood Diaries : Facing Unwanted Advice or Worse, Scolding - Joanne Archibald | Coaching\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"When I was pregnant, my mother offered me a single piece of priceless wisdom about raising a child: \u201cEveryone will have an opinion on everything. 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