{"id":1712,"date":"2021-10-01T16:54:13","date_gmt":"2021-10-01T14:54:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/joannearchibald.com\/?p=1712"},"modified":"2023-03-30T11:41:53","modified_gmt":"2023-03-30T09:41:53","slug":"watch-your-wordsing-bad-language-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/joannearchibald.com\/fr\/blog\/watch-your-wordsing-bad-language-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Watch your words: redefining bad language"},"content":{"rendered":"

I have never really been much of a swearer. When I was growing up, my mother drilled it into me that swearing is a lazy form of self-expression. She encouraged me to choose my words more carefully, often with more devastating effect than any S- or F-bomb could ever achieve. So, while my French husband constantly has to bite back the \u201cmerde<\/em>!\u201d and \u201cputain<\/em>!\u201d that pervade French speech, it\u2019s never been hard for me to watch my language around the children. And that\u2019s one less thing to worry about in the pool of anxiety that is parenthood, plus I get to feel all smug when he slips up and receives shocked glances from the kids and whispers of \u201cNaughty Papa said the P word!\u201d<\/p>\n

I am, however, horribly guilty of using bad language of another kind. Firstly, I complain: \u201cMy back hurts. There\u2019s so much washing to do. It\u2019s raining again\u201d. I use negative self-talk at times: \u201cOh heck, I look ancient this morning!\u201d And I criticise: \u201cFor heaven\u2019s sake, could the checkout go<\/em> any slower?\u201d (imagine that with a Chandler Bing-style intonation). Now, I don\u2019t do this all the time, but I do it more often than I care for, and it happens in front of the children. I doubt I\u2019m alone here. Using these kinds of negative speech is so common, I bet many of us don\u2019t even notice it. But I did recently. I had a sort of out-of-body moment as I truly heard<\/em> myself doing all three and realised I have less to feel smug about than I thought. Because just as I don\u2019t want to hear my children effing and blinding, nor do I want them to become complaining, self-insulting and critical.<\/p>\n

When searching for wisdom, always look to musical theatre<\/strong><\/p>\n

There\u2019s a lyric in Stephen Sondheim\u2019s Into the Woods<\/em> that warns, \u201cCareful the things you say –
\nChildren will listen; Careful the things you do – Children will see, And learn\u2026\u201d Ever since my Damascene moment, I\u2019ve had that song playing in my head on a loop. Because it\u2019s true. Every time I complain I have too much to do and not enough time, my son is listening and learning that life is about lack and rushing. Every time I make an offhand remark about feeling like a hog after a large lunch, my daughter hears me and learns that food and indulgence lead to guilt and recriminations. When I criticise, the kids are absorbing the message that when life isn\u2019t as we would like, the right response is to get annoyed and assign blame.<\/p>\n

The medium is the message<\/strong><\/p>\n

It rather goes without saying that none of this is what I want to teach my children. But the message they receive when I use these three types of communication – complaining, negative self-talk and criticising \u2013 is that they are acceptable, normal and perhaps even useful. But we all know they\u2019re not. All three backfire on the user! Complaining about tiredness doesn\u2019t make you less tired. Insulting a wobbly tummy doesn\u2019t make it shrink. And criticising others doesn\u2019t make them more competent. In fact, these three acts all actually make the situation worse. I feel even more tired when I bang on about how little sleep I got. Berating myself for double helpings of pudding brings me down and probably leads to my raiding the biscuit barrel for comfort. Criticising others just makes me feel like a mean-spirited cow.<\/p>\n

Changing the record<\/strong><\/p>\n

So what\u2019s to be done? How can I \u2013 we \u2013 change? Well, there is the swear jar option. If you\u2019re really far gone, a euro\/pound\/dollar in the pot every time you use negative talk might even let you upgrade your car by Christmas. I think it really all starts with mindfulness, though. Noticing what you\u2019re saying (and how you\u2019re saying it) and choosing the words you use and sentiments you express with care. Enlisting a family member to help you do this is a good idea, but really it has to come from within. Mindful speech is a fundamental part of mindful living because the way we describe the world, how we name it and put it into words directly influences how we perceive it, how we feel about it, and our actions in it.<\/p>\n

This doesn\u2019t mean we have to deny the fact that we\u2019re tired, or that the post office clerk is slow or that eating too much has left us feeling bloated. It simply means choosing more carefully the way we frame the expression of these feelings to make it productive, or at least not harmful \u2013 to us and our children. So, \u201cI\u2019m tired. Hmmm\u2026 I\u2019m sure I\u2019ll feel less so after a cup of tea\u201d. \u201cWow, I feel so full after that lunch \u2013 salad for dinner for me, I think\u201d. \u201cGosh, this line is moving slowly \u2013 well, it gives me time to reply to some text messages\u201d.<\/p>\n

There is so much in life that we cannot influence or choose. What we say and how we say it are two things over which we have total control. I plan to exercise that control more mindfully in the future \u2013 both for my own happiness and to ensure my children are receiving messages I\u2019m proud to send.<\/p>\n

\n

If you\u2019d like to change some behaviours and attitudes that are holding you back from living life to the full and with joy, energetic and supportive coaching that focuses on making the right changes for you can help you achieve the mental shift you require. <\/strong>Contact me<\/strong><\/a> for your free introductory coaching session to find out how working together can help you build <\/strong>a life lived<\/strong> with purpose and on purpose<\/strong>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I have never really been much of a swearer. When I was growing up, my mother drilled it into me that swearing is a lazy form of self-expression. She encouraged me to choose my words more carefully, often with more devastating effect than any S- or F-bomb could ever achieve. So, while my French husband […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1865,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[168],"tags":[360,364,363,246,274,118,362,255,361],"class_list":["post-1712","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-coaching","tag-communication","tag-complaining","tag-criticism","tag-family","tag-language","tag-mindfulness","tag-negativity","tag-parenting","tag-self-talk"],"yoast_head":"\nWatch your words: redefining bad language - Joanne Archibald | Coaching<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Watch your words, redefining bad language. I have never really been much of a swearer. 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