{"id":1958,"date":"2021-12-01T00:01:44","date_gmt":"2021-11-30T23:01:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/joannearchibald.com\/?p=1958"},"modified":"2023-03-30T11:41:41","modified_gmt":"2023-03-30T09:41:41","slug":"give-the-gift-of-listening-this-christmas","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/joannearchibald.com\/fr\/blog\/give-the-gift-of-listening-this-christmas\/","title":{"rendered":"Give the gift of listening this Christmas"},"content":{"rendered":"

It\u2019s that time again, folks: \u2018tis the season to be jolly, deck the halls, and sing the 12 days. And while it has become fashionable of late to deride the cheesiness of many Christmas traditions and bemoan its commercialisation, I have to say I love this time of year. Whether you choose to celebrate Christmas, Hanukah or the winter solstice, I have always found this to be the perfect time to wonder, reflect, and get in touch with my values. One of the things I enjoy most is the opportunity to honour the value of gift-giving.<\/p>\n

I actually gift shop all year round. I am always on the lookout for special items that are exactly what a friend once said they really wanted or needed, or spot-on gifts that hit all the right buttons for my kids – like the glittery (tick) unicorn (tick) sewing kit (tick) Santa will be bringing my daughter this year. I do this because when I give a gift, I want it to be wanted, or needed, preferably both. I loathe the idea of buying \u201cstocking stuffers\u201d to make up present quantities or getting something just for the sake of it. It\u2019s a waste of time, money and the planet\u2019s resources!<\/p>\n

So, in the spirit of offering necessary and appreciated gifts, I\u2019d like to offer a suggestion for a Christmas gift we can all give our loved ones this year. The gift of listening. No, I\u2019m not suggesting anyone gift-wrap their ears, and I\u2019m fully aware that this one will fall flat with anyone who still believes in Father Christmas, but think what a difference it could make to our lives if we all became just 5% better at listening to each other. What a gift that would be!<\/p>\n

Learning to listen was, quite literally, item number one on the programme for my first day of coaching training. We were taught that, as coaches, our first job was simply to listen to clients, let them be heard, and give them space to express themselves, and that even if that was all we did for the entire session, we had almost certainly always made a difference. Because how often do we get to sit and talk to someone who is just there to listen to us, without judgement, agenda or expectations of reciprocity, and without jumping in to offer advice or a comparable anecdote?<\/p>\n

If you would like to give yourself and those around you the gift of becoming a better listener, here are a few ideas to help you make that Christmas wish come true.<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Set your intention<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Active listening – the coachingese term for making a concerted effort to listen to someone \u2013 is simple in theory but surprisingly tough to do. The first step is to go into the conversation with the firm intention of listening. Simply by becoming aware that your goal is just to listen will enhance your ability to listen closely and concentrate on the other person. When you enter a conversation, make sure you\u2019re comfortable and not likely to fidget. You cannot focus on someone\u2019s words when you are cold, need the loo, or have a clothing label scratching your neck. Sort those things out before getting into it with your friend and you will be able to give her your undivided attention. And remember to make regular eye contact and offer listening signals such as head nodding and the occasional \u201cuhuh\u201d or \u201cmmm\u201d.<\/p>\n

      \n
    1. Listen to understand, not to reply<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      I have a number of friends \u2013 mainly those who live far from me \u2013 with whom I have developed the habit of leaving each other long, newsy Whatsapp voice notes. This function of the app is a great way to keep up with pals who live in different time zones or who have different schedules and with whom an actual phone chat is often hard to arrange. My mate Kate, a woman of great wisdom, recently commented that she enjoys how relaxing our habit of leaving messages is: \u201cSince it\u2019s a message not a conversation, you can really listen, without having to think about what to say next\u201d. How often do we listen without mentally drafting our reply or thinking about a similar thing that happened to us that we\u2019d like to share? What would it be like simply to hear someone\u2019s story without feeling the need to share in return? Obviously, there is a time and place for reciprocity in conversation, but the next time a friend starts to share some concern or news, why not try imagining you are listening to a message? Your only job is to hear it. If there are silent pauses, let them be; resist the urge to jump in with \u201cOh my God, the same thing happened to me!\u201d or \u201cI feel the same \u2013 when that happens to me, I always\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

        \n
      1. Stay curious<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

        A coach\u2019s second most important job is asking questions. In training we learn how to ask big \u201cpowerful\u201d questions that can turn a client\u2019s limiting belief on its head or make him see a situation from a new perspective. However, some of the most helpful questions (or prompts) a person can hear are often the simplest. Try Tell me more<\/em>, or What else?<\/em> Ask for details: What happened next? How did that make you feel?<\/em> What was the impact of that?<\/em> Keep your focus on the other person, rather than bringing the conversation back to your stuff, your experiences. An alternative to asking questions is offering thought-provoking observations, for example, Wow, that sounds disappointing! <\/em>or I can hear so much anger in what you\u2019re saying<\/em>. By voicing what you hear and inviting a person to express more, you\u2019re showing you are interested, that you value them, and that what they are saying is important to you in itself \u2013 not just as a springboard for your own sharing.<\/p>\n

          \n
        1. Interrupt judiciously<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

          I initially called this paragraph \u201cnever interrupt\u201d but changed that for the sake of precision. I doubt I even have to say that the quickest way to frustrate someone who needs to talk is to interrupt them. Interruption most often takes the form of jumping in with own our story, but equally irritating variants include but are not limited to: interrupting to correct, contradict, offer information that turns into a digression, and the classic \u201cAh! That reminds me\u2026!\u201d change of subject. The bottom line is no one likes it, so don\u2019t do it. The exceptions to this rule are things like interrupting to ensure understanding and ask for clarification.<\/p>\n

          Being a good listener is one of life\u2019s hardest skills to learn, but the benefits are multiple. By giving the gift of your listening and attention, you show someone how highly you value them and give them a space to explore whatever situation or predicament they need to share. Plus, this is one of those gifts with a kickback. By improving your listening, you will improve the quality of your relationships as your loved ones (consciously or otherwise) respond to and appreciate your presence and openness and your connections deepen.<\/p>\n

          And, if you listen well enough and often enough, you\u2019re sure to hear something that sparks a great idea for next year\u2019s gift. That\u2019s an extra win!<\/p>\n

          \n

          If you\u2019d like to offer yourself the gift of active listening with a professional coach to work on issues holding you back, areas of life in which you are stuck, or projects that you would like to accelerate, contact me<\/u><\/a> for your free introductory coaching session to start building a life lived<\/strong> with purpose and on purpose<\/strong>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

          It\u2019s that time again, folks: \u2018tis the season to be jolly, deck the halls, and sing the 12 days. And while it has become fashionable of late to deride the cheesiness of many Christmas traditions and bemoan its commercialisation, I have to say I love this time of year. Whether you choose to celebrate Christmas, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2050,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[168],"tags":[127,387,385,386,97,251,318],"class_list":["post-1958","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-coaching","tag-christmas","tag-connections","tag-gifts","tag-listening","tag-new-year","tag-relationships","tag-values"],"yoast_head":"\nGive the gift of listening this Christmas - Joanne Archibald | Coaching<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Learning to listen was, quite literally, item number one on the programme for my first day of coaching training. 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