Does anyone else remember the 1980s board game \u201cThe Game of Life\u201d? Whenever my friend Julie jokingly comments that one of us is \u201cwinning at life\u201d (usually because we\u2019ve done something banal yet seemingly monumental like clear an inbox or get to the bottom of the laundry basket), the song featured in the television advert rattles around my head for days afterwards.<\/p>\n
Be a winner at the game of life!<\/em> Of all the jingles we were exposed to as children, this is the one I cannot seem to forget (look it up on YouTube at your earworm peril). Why?! Maybe because its melody is alarmingly catchy, or perhaps the company invested in prime-time spots during the shows I happened to watch. I have a sneaky suspicion, however, that it\u2019s because of the lyrics that it sank so deep into my memory. The notion that there is a way \u2013 if you play well \u2013 to get life right, and that it involves hitting certain key milestones and achievements that, when added up, make you the victor.<\/p>\n The path to success<\/strong><\/p>\n It\u2019s easy to laugh at the narrow\/simplistic\/conventional\/privileged (delete as you see fit) list of life goals in the jingle. Indeed, there\u2019s something very wrong with the idea that life is a competition and a zero-sum game in which there are winners and losers. I also take exception to the notion that there is a universal definition of success and a single path to the top spot on the podium. That said, it seems to me that, as adults, most of us still mentally cart around our own version of this list of criteria for a successful life. We call them wish lists, goal lists, or perhaps bucket lists, and while they tend not to come accompanied by an annoyingly unforgettable theme tune but they amount to the same thing as the board game jingle.<\/p>\n Obviously, there\u2019s nothing wrong with knowing what you want in life, having ambitions you wish to achieve, places you would like to visit, things you aim to acquire or do. However, there are several ways in which, I think, we too often transform what can be an exciting and motivating wish list into a stick with which to beat ourselves. During sessions with clients, talks with friend and, of course, sometimes in my own head, there are a number of toxic lists I hear on a regular basis.<\/p>\n A major factor for happiness is a sense of life purpose, and identifying then pursuing meaningful goals makes an important contribution to that. Working towards goals that feel more like obligations than dreams, that no longer excite you or fit with who you are, or that have never actually part of your vision for your life has the opposite effect.<\/p>\n
\nFind a job,<\/em>
\nHave money \u2013 maybe,<\/em>
\nGet married,<\/em>
\nHave a baby!<\/em>
\nTake a chance,<\/em>
\nFind romance,<\/em>
\nAll your dreams may come true\u2026<\/em>
\nBe a winner at the game of life!<\/em><\/p>\n\n
\nThe first problem I see arises when we hold ourselves too accountable to our list, constantly
\ncomparing ourselves to it and judging ourselves harshly whenever we fall short. It often
\nincludes a strict timeline for achievement. This is the kind of list that makes milestone
\nbirthdays hellish (\u201cI\u2019m X years old and still not married\/a department head\/a
\nhomeowner\/finished with my PhD\/a certain weight\u201d). This list is no longer a way to plan for
\nthe future or express hopes and dreams; it\u2019s a barking drill sergeant that will never truly be
\nsatisfied. Every time we tick something off the list, the next item simply takes its place.<\/li>\n
\nHow many of us still have goals on our mental to-do list that were written by our former
\nselves? Failing to update your personal list of what you want for yourself can result in
\nsituations like the one I saw recently with a client. Helen came to me looking to explore
\nchanging careers, but we soon discovered that in order for her to do that freely, she first had
\nto let go of the goals she had long had in mind for her current profession and that she had
\nnot yet achieved. Helen no longer wanted to be a lawyer, but she had a hard time getting
\npast the fact that she would be leaving her firm \u2013 and the law as a whole \u2013 never having
\nmade partner. She had been working towards partner status her entire adult life, and even
\nthough she no longer wanted it, releasing her mental grasp on the goal was challenging. Her
\n\u201clightbulb moment\u201d came when Helen realised and accepted that achieving a goal was not
\nthe only way to cross it off her mental list. She gave herself permission simply to delete it.<\/li>\n
\nFor me, the worst offender in the category of self-harming goal lists is the list of achievements that we have internalised based on other people\u2019s expectations. These \u201cother people\u201d might be your parents, various family members, a peer group, colleagues, or simply \u201csociety\u201d as a whole. A good way to spot goals that are not your own is to look for things you constantly tell yourself you \u201cshould\u201d achieve, or those that you perennially have on your new year resolutions list but towards which you never make any progress.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n