Type the term “self-care” into a search engine and the top results will almost certainly be lists of wellbeing-boosting ideas ranging from doing arts and crafts, playing with animals and going on nature walks through to lighting candles and having a hot bath. Image results will typically feature a woman doing yoga, writing in a journal, or staring through a window into an autumnal woodland as she wraps her hands around a huge, steaming cup of tea while sporting cosy earth-toned knitwear with really long sleeves. Given the abundance of stereotypes and clichés and the superficiality of the advice given, it is not hard to see why it has become more fashionable to scoff at rather than advocate for the promotion of self-care.

For someone who is really struggling – whether with a stressful or toxic work environment, the demands of parenthood, taking care of elderly or ill parents, relationship breakdown, financial worries, or any of the other myriad problems we face as human beings – advising “better self-care” is almost cruel. For it is precisely when we need to take care of ourselves most that we often find it hardest to do so. It is doubly cruel because even if the person should manage to run a bath, light a candle and meditate, none of those things is a long-term solution. They are just Elastoplasts that can release a bit of tension but offer very little sustainable support. Worse, they are like the ibuprofen that allows an injured athlete to keep going until the end of the match: they make it possible for people under pressure to breathe for just a moment and then get up the next day and keep on tolerating the same (or an even greater) level of stress and pressure. It should also be noted that many of the ideas generally touted as self-care are delightful things to do (spa days, seeing friends, gardening) but they often have to be scheduled in and aren’t something you can usually reach for when in the thick of things – in the office, on the school run, doing the shopping.

So, what, you might well ask, is real self-care?

A while back, I supported a client as she was caring for her father through a long and ultimately terminal illness. During the hospital visits, operations and home care, massage and meditation were not exactly front of mind for her. And yet, over the year she spent showing up 100% for her family, while maintaining a full-time job and completing a training course she’d started before the diagnosis, she managed to maintain a type of self-care that, I believe, was key to the extraordinary physical and mental resilience she demonstrated. It was precisely because she was careful to tend to her own needs (and not despite the fact) that she was able to be so admirably present, compassionate and helpful for others.

Inspired by my client, I started thinking about my own personal guidelines to taking good care of myself on a day to day basis, often without recourse to the kind of quick-fix, stress-busting, life-hacking and all too often costly wellness treats that are but a poor substitute for genuine self-care…

Make yourself the centre of your own attention

“Make yourself the centre of your own attention” has been a personal mantra for several years now. It has multiple applications to various parts of life, and when applied to the notion of how we care for ourselves, it can be really powerful. Before I get into what it means, let me first say what making yourself the centre of your own attention is not. It’s not about being self-absorbed, or not considering the needs of others, nor is it about randomly flaking on commitments and letting people down at the last minute. It’s also not about ensuring plans suit you with no compromising for the other people involved. No, those things are not sustainable self-care as they leave no room for anyone else to take care of themselves.

For me, putting myself at the centre of my own attention in terms of how I care for myself day in, day out, is about constantly asking myself what I want, what I need, and whether the things I’m doing nourish or drain me. That means, for example, truly considering social invitations (rather than accepting out of guilt or a sense of obligation); thinking about what will do you good or what you really want when ordering from a menu (rather than having a glass of wine because everyone else is, or because it’s the done thing); and mindfully scheduling meeting prep into your diary and making a point of leaving at least 15 minutes between appointments (rather than frantically reading documents the night before and running late from meeting to meeting). Not everything can be in our control, of course, and we all have to do things we’d rather not, but that is all the more reason to make self-caring choices when we do have leeway.

Do the next right thing

One of the best things about my mantra is that it can be activated at any time. It doesn’t matter how bad the day is going, you can, at any time, take a breath and reset yourself at the centre of your own attention. Then you ask: what do I need and want next? You can be in the middle of a meal where you feel you made unhealthy or unsatisfying choices and, with a little attention reset, the next right thing might just save your evening (some days that means saying no to pudding, others that means saying yes and making it spectacular). Maybe you agreed to three inconvenient or overly tight deadlines that you now regret, but with a quick attention reset you can make sure you push back on the fourth one heading your way, or you can purposefully phone someone back and try to renegotiate.

Because of course, the unspoken but implied words at the end of the phrase “the next right thing” are “for you”. That’s where making yourself the centre of your own attention comes in: it helps you forget about other people’s preferences, expectations and whims and simply concentrate on what the next right thing is for you.

You do you

In the Co-Active coaching I practice, we build the coaching relationship on the belief that both the client and the coach are “naturally creative, resourceful and whole”. That means that the client is fully capable of finding the answers within and does not need to be helped, rescued or guided by the coach. The coach is, in turn, trusted to deal with any emotions created by the session, perhaps discussing them in supervision, and is able to handle the client’s feedback or resistance to a line of questioning. It’s an incredibly adult stance for both parties and one I find very freeing. Ultimately, we are all responsible for and capable of taking care of ourselves, and the more we accept and embrace that, the more we give others permission to do so too.

In the workplace, that might mean saying no when you are asked to work a third consecutive weekend safe in the knowledge that rather than creating extra work for your colleagues, you are opening up a path for others to assert themselves in a similar fashion. You assert your boundaries, and they are responsible for doing the same for themselves. Within a friendship, that might mean being honest and saying that you’d like to meet for dinner at the weekend instead of on a weeknight, rather than automatically capitulating to a friend’s preference then resenting how tired you are in your meeting the next day. Self-care says, “This is what works for me”, then asks, “What works for you?” In any relationship, it’s much easier to express your needs when you know the other person feels comfortable doing the same and that both parties are looking to find a mutually acceptable solution. Viewed through this lens, self-care is far from selfish; indeed, it is a gift for others as it takes the burden of caring for you and anticipating your needs off their shoulders leaving them space to take care of their needs.

Busting the need for stress-busters

It’s undeniable that when you’re feeling stressed and overwhelmed, it can indeed be very helpful to take a walk in a nearby park, or to light some candles and read a book, in fact I recommend both activities highly. However, by consistently prioritising a more profound and sustainable self-care in which you truly consider and try to meet your own needs, the necessity for the kind of emergency stress relief that is often – inaccurately – labelled “self-care” can be greatly diminished. Of course, it’s not a miracle recipe. We all have days (or longer periods) where we make bad choices, have to compromise massively on our priorities, or need put others first to our own detriment, but hopefully, by making yourself the centre of your own attention, making good choices, and taking care of yourself as a matter of course, those days should be fewer and further between.

What happens when you make yourself the centre of your own attention? What do you notice? Are you happy with the things you are prioritising? Do you like the way you’re spending your precious time and energy? Do you end the day pleasantly tired and satisfied, or more often drained and spent? Working with an experienced, empathetic and insightful coach can support you to reassess your priorities and reposition yourself – your needs and your wants – at the centre of your daily activities. Contact me to find out more about working together.