When Harry Potter is in the Chamber of Secrets, battling the deadly basilisk, a weapon magically appears before him, the Sword of Gryffindor, which he uses to kill the beast, impaling the creature’s head. Now, the sword’s ability to present itself when someone needs it is already a pretty cool party trick, but what really makes the sword special is that it can absorb powers (like those of the basilisk venom) but, crucially, “It only takes in that which makes it stronger”. For Harry and the wizarding world as a whole, this is incredibly good news as it means the sword can later be used to help destroy a little piece of Voldemort’s soul. However, it seems to me that, for us Muggles, cultivating that same quality – the ability only to take in that which makes us stronger – could prove equally as powerful. The average Tuesday might not see us slaying the forces of darkness and triumphing over the embodiment of evil, but we do have hard choices to make, toxic people in our lives, and our own demons to battle. Channelling the spirit of the Sword of Gryffindor might just work like a charm.
Conscious consumption
When I think about only taking in that which makes me stronger I immediately think about food and drink. What would it feel like to make dietary choices based on a consideration of whether or not a particular foodstuff strengthens or weakens you? Put more broadly, it would be about making choices based on what will do you good and make you feel good, because both of those things ultimately make you stronger. Rather than thinking in terms of what you “should” and “shouldn’t” eat, or counting calories, or wondering whether you “need” dessert or not, each choice would simply be about the net positive.
You can expand this notion to any form of consumption. Does watching the news fill me with righteous indignation and activating fury, or make me feel miserable and paralysingly hopeless? Does this film educate, entertain or uplift me in some way (even a sad film can elevate us through the quality of the artistry), or am I simply fuelling my anxiety and guaranteeing a bad night’s sleep? The thing here is that the answer can change each time we ask the question. What strengthens me today might not tomorrow. Yesterday, I went swimming and felt the better for it; today I’m tired and rest is what I need. So, cultivating the ability to take in only that which makes you stronger does not involve imposing blanket bans on certain foods, TV shows, websites or even social media sites. Instead it is about taking a moment to ask yourself an empowering question before you consume: does taking this in make me stronger or weaker? I find that question so much more energising than its more judgemental cousins “Do I really need…?” and “Should I or shouldn’t I…?”
Vitamins or venom?
The same question is helpful when making choices about the people with whom we spend our valuable time. We go through life acquiring friends, colleagues, ex-colleagues, neighbours, and it can sometimes be the case that we end up with a very mixed bag of an entourage. Taking a moment to look at each of the people you spend time with and ask, “Does being around this person make me feel stronger or weaker?” can be alarmingly revealing. While the venom it absorbed worked out well for the sword, for us mere Muggles, listening to someone’s bad temper too often, hearing them complain and criticise, or feeling like we’re giving without getting back is definitely toxic.
Once we know whose company feels poisonous and whose feels like a vitamin-enriched juice shot, it’s easier to make healthy decisions about where we put our time, effort and friendship. When possible, we can spend less time with that which makes us weaker and consciously surround ourselves more and more with good people that make us feel like our best selves.
Of course, it’s not possible to do this with every person who has a negative impact on your life, your mood or your health. There will always be family members, colleagues and neighbours you simply cannot avoid; there will be cases where the cost of completely cutting out a toxic influence in your life is too high, so you choose to keep them around. In these circumstances, having identified whether they are venom or vitamins for your nervous system can help you to limit and manage any time you have to spend with them better, and you will be better equipped to make sure you have an antidote on hand. Maybe this means planning a drink with a friend after tense family gatherings, scheduling meetings with difficult colleagues for the end of the day so you know you can go straight home afterwards, or having a good excuse prepared if you bump into your gossipy neighbour and they start to chat. Forewarned is always forearmed (whether that’s with a sword or a breezy, “Sorry, I can’t stop, I’m late for an appointment!”).
The Voldemort within
Sometimes, though, the evil that proves the hardest to fight is in our own heads. It comes in the form of anxious inner monologues, unfavourable comparisons to others, critical voices in our minds, and soul-crushing self-doubt. These are the real dark wizards that cling tenaciously to life despite our best efforts to reason with them to go away and leave us alone, to slay them with withering come-backs, or to imprison them in our own mental chamber of secrets. The question that the sword of Gryffindor poses, however, “Is this making me stronger or weaker?” is incredibly effective in fighting them one by one.
Let’s take a few examples. It’s so easy to look at what others are doing and find we are simply not good enough, (and thanks to social media it’s more fun than ever as we now get to compare the carefully curated version of themselves that people put online with our own messy reality – yay!). Whether it’s the colleague whose presentation was slicker (“not an imposter like me!”), the playgroup mum who volunteered a handy first aid kit when your child fell (“so organised, a much better mother!”), or the friend with the incredibly active social life (“thriving, not just surviving!”). In each of these cases, the sword of Gryffindor says, “What can I take in from this to make me stronger?” Judgemental and critical comparisons certainly do not reinforce us, but learning from other people can. So, you decide to note down some PowerPoint tips and maybe you even buy your colleague a coffee while you pick her brains to make your own slides better. You swing by the pharmacy on your way home from the children’s park to pick up plasters and antiseptic wipes to keep in your bag. You sign up for some newsletters at your favourite music venues and check what’s on at the local theatre. You take the unhelpful negative comparison and you only absorb that which makes you stronger.
The beauty of this approach is that it acknowledges that even dark, negative and self-critical thoughts can offer something to fortify us. Rather than simply trying to ignore or eliminate them, holding them up to the light and asking, “what can I take from this that will make me stronger?” turns enemies into teachers and sometimes even friends.
Do you struggle with a critical, anxious and judgemental inner monologue? Do you constantly compare yourself to others and come up short? Working with an experienced, empathetic and insightful coach can help you change your relationship to your own thoughts and be kinder to yourself without sacrificing your ambitions and expectations. If you’d like to make your own mind a gentler, more positive place to be, contact me to find out more about working together.