Unseasonably hot weather and a spring resolution to make better use of the garden have resulted in my husband and I enjoying our breakfast in the sunshine a lot of late. We sip our coffee while the kids run about and water the vegetable patch, and for the joy we feel in that half hour, you would think us in the grounds of the Château de Versailles or Hampton Court.

One morning recently though, my husband took a sip of his brew and casually commented that we really should re-sow grass seeds in the lawn. Years of children’s parties complete with sack racing and water fights have taken their toll to the point where I hesitate even to use the word lawn, actually. He followed that up by noticing that the patio needs to be cleaned, a particular plant has gone leggy and should probably be retired, and the tiny bench under our hazelnut tree needs to be sanded and varnished. Before I knew it, we were into a list of garden jobs to be done and equipment to be bought, and my husband’s face was wearing the look I always imagine on Henry’s when he got to the third round of telling Dear Liza that there was a hole in his bucket. In short, the moment was very much spoilt.

Thinking the joy away

So, what went wrong? Well, the garden stressed us out, of course! But, hang on, between the moment when we first sat down with the French press and the moment we started our stressed-induced to-do list, the state of the garden had not changed one iota. Indeed, it was in no worse shape than it has been for the last year or two. The only thing that had ruined the lovely mood was, well, us. Our own thinking, to be exact.

Now, you probably think you know where I’m going with this, but you’d be wrong. I could, of course, share my thoughts on the popular wisdom expressed most beautifully in Hamlet: “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so”. Variants include the idea that we cannot control events, only our reactions to them; and the notion that our thoughts are just thoughts, not always reality, and they do not all require our attention. Excellent sentiments all, but not where I’m headed.

No, the thing that occurred to me while we surveyed our little patch of green feeling like a verdant Eden had wilted to a desolate wasteland before our eyes was that we were turning a source of joy into a source of stress, frustration and sadness. When we first moved into our house, the garden was way worse than it is now, but I have the most delightful memory of the first morning we woke up in our new home. My husband scooped up our newborn daughter and announced to her that Mummy and Papa were going to show her the estate. We sat on the back step as we had no chairs yet, drank instant coffee from the only two mugs we had actually unpacked, and basked. Yet here we were, ten years later, and we had managed to transform what was once a source of great joy into a source of stress. We no longer saw a place for barbecues and children’s games, just leaves to be swept up and weeds to be pulled.

Cultivating and growing perspective

Since this occurred to me, I’ve started to notice so many other times when this happens – when we take something that’s supposed to be fun, enjoyable, relaxing even, and think it into a source of anxiety, stress and overwhelm. These things often get referred to as “first world problems”. Taking examples from my own life as well as from clients, friends and colleagues, the list is long. Getting married. Booking a holiday. Decorating a new home. Let’s not even start on Christmas! Even things that many would argue are objectively stressful, like starting a new job or being asked to speak at a conference, often actually begin as a cause for celebration and only later morph into a worry keeping you awake at night.

1. One way to deal with this tendency is to find the flip side of the stress. A friend once complained to her mother that she was tired as she’d been out too much lately and was juggling too many evening activities. Her wise mama replied laconically, “What a lucky problem to have”. Try applying that sentiment to your situation.
2. If that doesn’t work (and it doesn’t always), try reconnecting with your initial joy about the thing that’s causing you headaches. Organising that surprise party is turning out to be a nightmare? Remind yourself of why you wanted to do it in the first place – perhaps to cheer up a loved one going through a low patch, or to show a colleague how appreciated they are.
3. You can also project forward, imagining how you would feel right now if the source of stress were to disappear: suddenly you’re not getting married, planning a family trip, able to redo the bathroom, being invited to represent your firm at events… Sometimes you would simply be pleased if the thing just went away, but I suspect you would often feel something more like sadness, frustration or disappointment.
4. Finally, if you cannot find any enjoyment in the supposedly fun thing you are doing, maybe you need to make a change, or simply cut and run. If something that started as a delightful idea has become 100% stress and anxiety, ask yourself: do I really need this in my life? Maybe the huge family dinner with caterer, jazz band and juggler can become a simple potluck picnic. Perhaps the reading group you joined before you got promoted/had a baby/moved to the suburbs is no longer appropriate for you and your lifestyle.

There are many, many things in life that are genuinely upsetting, unpleasant and stressful. Workplace bullying, a child’s inexplicable illness, divorce, money problems. I’m not suggesting looking for the upside of a loved one’s death or being fired or serious family disputes. But there are also so many things that exist to be enjoyed and that we include in our lives voluntarily but that we somehow come to experience as a chore, a burden, a pain in the neck. The reasons why we do this are myriad and personal: perfectionism, a tendency to control, a desire for everything to work and everyone to have a good time, people pleasing, a need to “keep up” with others… Whatever the reason, let’s resist. Let’s resist this – perhaps human – penchant for turning even of the nicest parts of life into emergencies.

I’ll start. Now, as I type this from my garden, I’m looking at the slightly broken brick on our back step and, instead of adding it to my mental load of things to fix, I chose simply to remember when I sat in that very spot savouring my first morning in my new house with my husband and beautiful baby girl thinking I was the luckiest woman alive.

Does this resonate with you? Are you having trouble savouring your life at the moment, even as you recognise that you have many things to feel happy about? Are you constantly in a rush, worrying, and stressing about plans that seemed like good ideas at the time but now simply feel like a burden? Enlisting the support of a dynamic, empathetic and encouraging coach with over a decade of experience can help you find perspective and clarity of thought to reclaim the joy in your life. Contact me to find out more about working together.