It may seem at best counter-intuitive and at worst blasphemous for a coach to say this, but lately I’ve been pondering question of whether, at some point, we should say enough is enough when it comes to self-improvement and personal development.
I’m surely thinking these subversive thoughts in part because the end of the year is upon us. It’s a time for reflecting on the successes, failures, joys and tears of the last twelve months. And once that’s done, it’ll be time to ring out the old, ring in the new, and begin 2025 with some ambitious new year’s resolutions. But to be honest, I’m just not really feeling it.
Hitting pause
My professional life relies on my deeply held belief that we all have the capacity to take control of a lot about ourselves, our professional success, and our personal lives if we really want to and are prepared to do the work. However, I have also come to believe that sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is simply to stop.
Yep, you heard right: I think some of us need to stop improving ourselves. Not because we have attained perfection – far from it – but because at some point the next step in personal development is to accept ourselves as we are and not as some kind of “before” version in a makeover. I suspect that if you are in the group of people I am talking about, you will identify hard and fast with what I’m saying. You are probably someone who religiously makes resolutions in January, and perhaps also before the summer and during the “back to school” period. You make lists of things you want to change/upgrade/optimise about yourself. You make other lists of books you “should” read, films you should see, exhibitions you should see. You’re probably constantly doing some kind of experiment to better yourself – cutting out sugar or caffeine, trying to take the stairs more, looking for ways to improve your use of your free time in the evening, buying a paper newspaper twice a week in an effort to be more au fait with current affairs and politics…
Are you one of us?
If you are nodding and smiling as you read this, muttering “yep, yep, yep” to yourself, then know that I see you, and I get it. Because I have this tendency too. Now, none of the above are essentially bad things to do. Indeed, they are all worthy goals and – for some people – entirely appropriate. I will never discourage anyone from attempting to improve their life or themselves in any way – I’ve made a career of supporting people doing just that. However, in an age where social media offers a steady source of comparison and floods us with a stream of toxically positive affirmations, those of us who have a tendency towards pushing ourselves, wanting to optimise ourselves and – at the dark end of that – “fix” ourselves, can quickly slip into overdrive.
The truth is that at on any given we all have a million things that we could improve about ourselves. The job of becoming a better person is the work of lifetime. But that work doesn’t have to be done every single day. Indeed, sometimes the healthiest and most profoundly fulfilling next step in our own self-improvement journey is to stop travelling for a bit and rest. It’s to metaphorically put down the rucksack and say, “this bit of the forest is pretty good, maybe I’ll hang here for a while and savour it”. It’s to cease pushing and fighting and striving and instead to accept what is. Which doesn’t mean we won’t, at some later date, decide to give up red meat, take up jogging, finally sort of the garden, apply for a promotion, or visit museums more. It just means that we learn to accept, even enjoy, being who we are without any of the fine-tuning, makeovers and up-pimping.
Just as you are
There are lots of people out there who struggle to motivate themselves, who feel stuck, who don’t like the status quo and really want to change. For many, goal-setting exercises, resolutions, habit trackers and action plans can be invaluable tools to help them challenge themselves, give themselves a push, and enable them to level up. But there are others out there for whom the most valuable personal development lesson they can learn is to back up off, people for whom the hardest self-improvement goal they will ever pursue is to learn to accept, and truly internalise the words “I am enough, just as I am”.
So, what category are you in? Do your friends and family regularly tell you to stop being so hard on yourself? Are you often described as type A, never satisfied, always looking for the next mountain to climb? How would it feel to take a break from improving and fixing yourself and just enjoy the way you are? If it sounds like relief, self-compassion and peace, then maybe it’s time to put down the mantle of self-improvement and make self-acceptance your next resolution.
Whether you want dynamic support to challenge yourself and get unstuck or a gentle presence to accompany you on a journey towards less striving and greater ease, partnering with an empathetic and insightful coach with over a decade of experience can make all the difference. Contact me to find out more about working together. Contact me to find out more about working together.
