The end of the year is nigh. And, perhaps coincidentally, or perhaps due to a subconscious urge I feel to take stock around this time of year, I have been feeling of late that a chapter in my life is ending. Or rather, that I am finally coming to terms with the fact that a particular chapter of my life ended some time ago. As a result, I have found myself thinking a lot about how hard it is to accept change when we notice that life no longer looks the way it once did; contemplating how often we struggle to meet outdated expectations of ourselves or maintain a lifestyle that simply no longer fits our circumstances or desires.
A time to accept
It is said that there is a season for everything: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. Whether you read it first in the Bible or the title of a John Grisham novel, or perhaps heard it in the Byrds song, or discovered it through Kevin Bacon’s charismatic dance hero in Footloose, the wisdom rings true through the ages.
Life is a series of seasons, or chapters – pick your preferred metaphor. You can only live the one you are currently in, and yearning for the past simply sours your appreciation for what is here and now. We all know that change is the only constant, so why do we fight so hard to hold on to versions of ourselves that no longer exist, and how can we let go more quickly, with greater grace and ease, when a page – or the season – turns?
Change vs transition
Life transitions come in many forms. Some we anticipate and revel in, feeling ready to leave the past behind and discover something new. At other times, and even if the change has been planned and executed on purpose, a shift takes us by surprise with the sheer magnitude of the transformation it brings. Crucially – as William Bridges points out – the moment we make a change and the moment we experience the internal transition that accompanies that change do not necessarily occur at the same time.
Let’s take the example of a client I worked with earlier this year. In her mid-thirties, Alison moved across the country, changed job and had two children in quick succession. All of those changes were fully motivated choices, and they all brought her joy. However, she was unhappy, and cited the fact that while she did not regret a single decision, she simply didn’t recognize herself or her life any more. Where she had once seen friends and taken gym classes several times a week, she now found herself mainly with her husband and child. She declared that she felt the era of friendship to be over, saying that while she still wanted to meet new people, she could tell that she was in a period of life where those relationships were no longer her focus.
Over the weeks we worked together, Alison explored the choices she had made and the ways in which they served her. She also took the time to mourn the losses that had resulted from those – albeit positive and actively chosen – changes. In doing so, Alison came to realise that a lot of her unhappiness came not from the things she was “missing out on” since she did not, in fact, want to be doing most of them any more, but from her inability to let go of what was in order to make room for what is.
Comparison is the thief of joy
Alison was holding on to an outdated version of what she thought her life should look like. In her head, a full, balanced life included evenings out with friends, several gym sessions per week, cinema trips, a proper party to celebrate every birthday or anniversary, and a wardrobe full of smart workwear and going out outfits. But that vision didn’t match with the new life that Alison was living, one in which her best friends were miles away and she had not yet made new friends close to home, in which sport and culture took a backseat to her babies’ needs, and where the new professional direction she had taken required perhaps one decent jacket for special meetings and the rest of the time allowed her to work in the casual attire she actually much preferred.
Essentially, Alison was suffering from the comparison of the life she had built and that she enjoyed, with the way she told herself things “should” be. She had made the change but had not yet completed the internal transition, her frame of reference stubbornly stuck on the way things were before and therefore – in her mind – should still be, verses the reality of this new season of her life.
My own experience
When I became a coach, a professional mentor shared her belief that we coaches attract clients who are struggling with the very same subjects challenging us too: “Clients bring you your own stuff”, she said. The truth of her words hit me recently, as I have been feeling a profound personal shift and an acceptation of a season change that really took place months, perhaps even years, ago. I thought back to Alison and was struck by the similarities between us: how we both needed to let go of what once was in order to be present for what is now. We both made the mistake of judging the present by the expectations and priorities of the past, a practice that could only ever leave the here and now lacking.
Life truly is a series of seasons; some are more enjoyable than others, but the only one we can live is the one we are currently in. Wishing it were still summer when autumn and winter roll around will never force the temperatures back up, it will only stop you from seeing the beauty of the falling russet leaves and feeling the excitement of the first snow flurries. External change often happens fast, while our internal transition can take a while to catch up, and it’s important to let it take the time it takes. However, I know that actively welcoming the realisation that a season has ended and a page has turned can help make the transition easier and more graceful.
If you’re having a hard time letting go of what once was in order to embrace what now is, start by examining your expectations. Where are you imposing a “should” on yourself and your vision of life? What do you truly miss and what do you simply think you should miss about the ways things used to be? Are you making unrealistic demands of yourself based on your current circumstances? Lastly, ask what the person you are today likes/wants/enjoys, and look at how much of those desires are being met and what you can do to perhaps meet one or two more.
It’s very hard to enjoy the present when you’re evaluating it through the lens of a past version of yourself and how you wanted life to look back then. To “be here now”, you have to let go of being where you were – easier said than done, but worth working on in order truly to live the season you’re in.
Are you making changes in life and finding it hard to adapt? Are you struggling to let go of past versions of yourself and make room for the way you want things to be now? Working with an experienced and empathetic coach who is making that same journey and supporting clients in theirs can help you let go of the past, find peace and enjoyment in the here and now, and move into the future with confidence. Contact me to find out more about working together.
