When a friend asks how you are, what is your go-to response?
To my consternation, I recently realised that, of late, mine has become “Busy!”
It’s not untrue, I am indeed a reasonably busy person. Between work, my family, friends, and the general life admin we all manage, I don’t get bored. However, if “busy” is my habitual baseline, is it a reasonable response to an enquiry into how I am right now? And does it really describe a state of being? In reality, it’s simply an assessment of the state of my diary and to-do list and offers no insight into how I’m feeling mentally, physically or spiritually. It doesn’t actually even indicate how I feel about the state of my diary and to-do list.
Interestingly, since I became aware of myself doing this, I have started to see the same tendency amongst others. I smile quietly to myself now when friends say their week was hectic, or exclaim “what a day it’s been!” I notice when clients struggle to find time for an appointment because things are really “full-on” at work, or when I hear parents at the end of the school day hurrying their children along, saying they’re already late.
What message do you want to send?
It has become fairly commonplace in recent years to point out that, in western society, being busy and tired has become a kind of badge of honour. It’s a way of signalling that you are important and in demand, that you have a lot going on. Rejecting a lifestyle in which we rush from appointment to appointment; book back-to-back meetings (during which we text and reply to emails); skimp on rest and relaxation in a bid to do more; and serve up what little leftover energy we have to the people we love most is a radical act these days. That kind of busy is toxic. It leads to exhaustion, burnout, and illness. It creates stress and anxiety, and diminishes any sense of joy and fulfilment we might otherwise find in our work, our families and our social lives. I do not aspire to be and very rarely am that kind of busy, but maybe that’s the image I’m projecting nonetheless – consciously or otherwise.
The kind of busy I am is absolutely a good thing. When you are self-employed or run your own company, busy (usually) means you have lots of work coming in, clients to tend to, and new business on the horizon. In terms of my personal life too, busy mostly means I am active and engaged in living, that I have projects on the boil, places to go, people to see. I hope this is true for you too. The opposite of busy is not calm, relaxed and zen; it is idle, unoccupied and inactive. It is absolutely possible to be busy in a calm way, busy and also happy.
What’s the subtext?
However, all too often, the subtext of busy is “tired”, “overwhelmed”, “strung out”, or “spread too thin”. It’s a way of saying, “I’ve got a lot on and it feels a bit unmanageable and I’m just subconsciously waiting for life to slow down to a more human pace”. It’s essentially a way of communicating that we are perhaps not so fine, and that our fulfilment and happiness are far from optimal. I think it can also be a way of excusing our absence from society. It’s a way of telling a friend that we haven’t seen or called for far too long that it’s not personal, we’re just so busy we find it hard to fit any more in. Sometimes it’s a way to head off a request for a time commitment. When your opening line is, “I’m busy”, you’ve already set up the justification for the “No, I can’t come/attend/do that” in the mind of the other person.
For one of my clients, talking about the state of her diary and her work life became a way to avoid thinking about how she felt. When friends or family enquired how she was doing, she deflected with talk of her professional projects, or her social engagements, the things she’d recently seen and done. In this way, she was able neatly to sidestep actually thinking about how she felt, mentally and physically.
When you tell someone you are busy, what do you mean?
If you regularly self-define as “busy” – whether in answer to a question or simply in your mind – I urge you to consider carefully what you really mean when you use the word. Have you bought into society’s shorthand that busy=successful? Are you (consciously or otherwise) trying to project an image of success, importance, and achievement? Is “busy” your way of warding off requests for your time? Is it a way to avoid engaging with your deeper feelings? Or has it just become a habit to think of yourself that way?
So, what am I saying?
I have not yet got to the bottom of what’s prompting me personally to answer “busy” when asked how things are going for me, but I’m sure I’ll get there. In the meantime, I’ve decided to banish the word. Based on the principle that I am never not busy and that the kind of busy I usually am is definitely, for me, a good thing, I have come to the conclusion that answering “Oh, you know, busy” when someone asks how I am is about as useful and indicative of my current state as saying, “Oh, you know, 5 ft 3”. It takes a little thought to give a more genuine answer to the question. It requires a second of introspection and connection with myself to answer authentically.
I also believe that the way we talk about ourselves is something of a self-fulfilling prophecy. By constantly saying I’m busy, I feel busier, and not in a good way. This is in part due to the fact that for many, busy is bad, so the word is often met with sympathy or a one-uppy “Oh God, I know, my week was crazy!”. Of course, if you are genuinely overstretched, then simply not saying so will not change anything. If that is the case, then it’s time to look at your schedule, priorities and commitments, and make some choices. However, if you identify with any of the subtextual readings of the word I have mentioned, then maybe the change you require doesn’t involve cancelling appointments but banishing the word from your vocabulary and finding another, more accurate, more authentic and more empowering way to describe how things are going for you.
Why not start right now?
How are you doing?
When you say busy, do you really mean “too busy”? Do you wish you could slow down and make more intentional choices about how to spend your time? Is the way you talk about yourself holding you back? Working with an experienced, empathetic and insightful coach can support you to make concrete changes that take you towards a life you love and develop a more empowering vision of yourself. Contact me to find out more about working together.